new disease discovered: sticky-child syndrome

Please read this!  This is very serious and yet gets almost no recognition!  We must spread awareness!  Sticky Child Syndrome does not just affect the individual, it affects whole families and consumes entire households!

You may be a victim of Sticky Child Syndrome (SCS) if:

• You have unexplained itching, later attributed to dried snot or food crumbs in your shirt or bra
  
• You have splotchy skin discoloration, most commonly in shades of pureed squash, carrot or green bean
  
• You appear to be growing tufts of animal hair or blanket fuzz that smell oddly of syrup or jelly
  
• You see dark spots when looking at the floor or walls, coincidentally, they are only from the light switch down.
• You are unable to wear dark, or light colors as they seem to smear, stain and crust on contact.
  

If the symptoms above were not enough to make you take this seriously, please check for symptoms of the advanced form of the disease:

• Upon waking in the morning you have large chunks of eye crust that will later be identified as pieces of granola bar from a Saturday morning snack.
• Your hair clumps abnormally and is painful to brush.  This can be caused by many things, but most commonly associated with advanced SCS, is identified as being stickers, fruit snacks or dum dum pops wedged between the cushions where you incidentally fell asleep on the couch last night.
• You smell like sh*t.  Literally.  This has been linked to many sources, but a common culprit is the semi-nude, potty-training child who comes to sit on your lap for post-potty congratulation.

It doesn't stop there.  Secondary side-effects have been noted also.  These include, but are not limited to:

• Loss of desire to apply makeup or wear clean clothes
  or, conversely, compulsive laundry washing and use of Clorox wipes
• Irrational urges to encapsulate children in plastic bubbles
• Decrease in sex appeal, possible loss of desire from either partner
• Desensitization to certain textures, ie. floor crumbs, sticky counters and slimy door knobs
• Desensitization to unpleaseant odors, often accompanied by inappropriate appreciation of "toilet humor"
  
• Paranoia and heightened sense of awareness of 'quiet'
  

Moms!  We must band together to spread awareness of this nearly unavoidable affliction.  We need to teach others about SCS to lessen the stigma.   Unless we do something, we will never see the end of the sly snickers and backhanded comments from well-dressed, childless adults when we go out in public unaware of the used breast pad or burp rag that has inconveniently dried to the back of a shirt or pair of pants. We must fight to convince the uneducated, childless masses, that No! I do not wipe my nose on my sleeve, or my shoulder, or my pant leg! 

So spread the word, every voice counts.