I have been an addict for two and a half years.
I used to find release in it, a way to feel more connected to the world. I found that there were others like me. we could joke about our "addiction." I can quit anytime I want. It's like an off switch, just flip it and I'm done. Right? I just don't want to be done yet.
I enjoy it.
If I'm having a bad day, I can just sit down and unwind for a while. If the kids are screaming, I have an excuse to ignore them for a bit.
Until that little bit became more and more.
It started infringing upon my daily activities. chores. cooking. cleaning. You know, all those things that are part of maintaining a household.
Now I do it even when my husband is around. My 3 year old has started commenting on my habit.
I feel bad. I know I should stop. Just walk away. But. But. Just one more?
Just one more.
Until that one becomes two. three. four.
Each day I can find a new reason to keep coming back. I know that time is slipping through my fingers. Sliding faster and faster. Each grain of sand a moment. Wasted? But nonetheless one I cannot get back.
I contemplate it each morning, afternoon and evening. Is this what I should be doing right now?
But I am attracted to it, like a moth to a flame. I look for that comforting glow, that soothing click. click.
click.
click.
clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick
click.
All I have to do is find that little red 'X'. That's all.
But my fingers look for one more thing. That's all. Just one more.
I will do better tomorrow. That is all I can tell myself.
Hi. My name is Tahirih, and I'm addicted to the internet.
I used to find release in it, a way to feel more connected to the world. I found that there were others like me. we could joke about our "addiction." I can quit anytime I want. It's like an off switch, just flip it and I'm done. Right? I just don't want to be done yet.
I enjoy it.
If I'm having a bad day, I can just sit down and unwind for a while. If the kids are screaming, I have an excuse to ignore them for a bit.
Until that little bit became more and more.
It started infringing upon my daily activities. chores. cooking. cleaning. You know, all those things that are part of maintaining a household.
Now I do it even when my husband is around. My 3 year old has started commenting on my habit.
I feel bad. I know I should stop. Just walk away. But. But. Just one more?
Just one more.
Until that one becomes two. three. four.
Each day I can find a new reason to keep coming back. I know that time is slipping through my fingers. Sliding faster and faster. Each grain of sand a moment. Wasted? But nonetheless one I cannot get back.
I contemplate it each morning, afternoon and evening. Is this what I should be doing right now?
But I am attracted to it, like a moth to a flame. I look for that comforting glow, that soothing click. click.
click.
click.
clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick
click.
All I have to do is find that little red 'X'. That's all.
But my fingers look for one more thing. That's all. Just one more.
I will do better tomorrow. That is all I can tell myself.
Hi. My name is Tahirih, and I'm addicted to the internet.
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