Thursday, September 24, 2009

hello, my name is Tahirih and I'm an addict

I have been an addict for two and a half years.
I used to find release in it, a way to feel more connected to the world.  I found that there were others like me. we could joke about our "addiction." I can quit anytime I want.  It's like an off switch, just flip it and I'm done. Right?  I just don't want to be done yet. 
I enjoy it.
If I'm having a bad day, I can just sit down and unwind for a while.  If the kids are screaming, I have an excuse to ignore them for a bit. 
Until that little bit became more and more.
It started infringing upon my daily activities. chores. cooking. cleaning. You know, all those things that are part of maintaining a household. 
Now I do it even when my husband is around.  My 3 year old has started commenting on my habit.
I feel bad. I know I should stop.  Just walk away.  But.  But.  Just one more? 
Just one more.
Until that one becomes two. three. four.
Each day I can find a new reason to keep coming back.  I know that time is slipping through my fingers.  Sliding faster and faster. Each grain of sand a moment.  Wasted?  But nonetheless one I cannot get back. 
I contemplate it each morning, afternoon and evening.  Is this what I should be doing right now?
But I am attracted to it, like a moth to a flame.  I look for that comforting glow, that soothing click. click.
click.
click.
clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick
click.
All I have to do is find that little red 'X'. That's all.
But my fingers look for one more thing.  That's all.  Just one more.

I will do better tomorrow.  That is all I can tell myself. 



Hi.  My name is Tahirih, and I'm addicted to the internet.

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