on being grown up

Point:
Being an adult is not all it's cracked up to be. Reckless abandon is replaced by responsibility, carelessness by stress and as each day passes the weight of the world transfers slowly atop unwanting shoulders. Needing is replaced by being needed and personal time becomes a virtual thing of the past, being anything but personal as it is not so quietly shredded by multi-tasking. The thought process that accompanies action and consequence is forced beyond "how much trouble will this get me in?" to "how is everything I do in my daily life going to affect the world and the way in which my children grow?"  The once coveted freedom of being an adult and having total control over choices made in life is crushed by the weight of the severity and complexity of the real choices that must be made. But it's not only the big things; even the smallest, seemingly simplest decisions can suddenly become cumbersome. The responsibility that comes with being an adult has a way of seeping in to every facet of life and filling even the most sacred personal rituals with leaden guilt. Sinking, grasping at the joy, release and freedom once brought by these things one can't shake the thought looming in the subconscious-- "what else should I be getting done right now?"

Counter Point:

Despite the heavy overtones of my last posting, please don't take is as pessimism or depression. It is simply fact. Thankfully that is not the only fact in life. Yes, I am looking around at a house that is less than kempt, dishes creep from sink to countertop, mail and paperwork avalanche over nearly every flat surface, and dust and sticky fingerprints peek from around clutter that seems to have exploded from every corner of the house. However, this morning I awoke next to a man that would give me the world. We layed side by side in a warm bed under a strong roof and listened to the sounds of our beautiful son, just awake chattering and bouncing in his crib, happy to have awakened to another day full of wonder and exploration. We arose to eat breakfast from a full refrigerator and indulge in a hot shower. Yes, Lakai was a grouch and threw a fit while waiting for his waffle to finish crisping in the toaster, yes more dishes were made and added to the mound in the sink, yes more sticky fingerprints emerged to be sought out and scrubbed and now the bathroom needs cleaned. But the stress of the day slips from mind as I hug my husband goodbye as he is leaving for work and as I type this and a content toddler sleeps in my lap. The weight of the world is still on my shoulders but as I look into loving eyes, feel a warm embrace, hear "I love you" the weight does not hang from my shoulders, but perches.

my thoughts on life this morning

Here are my thoughts on life as of 9:30 this morning. They are as follows:

Lakai has cheesy scrambled egg in his hair and an applesauce goatee. It's really hard to get him to take his orange flavored vitamin drops when we're out of juice to mix it in and he is now spitting at me and leaving a fine mist of iron tinted saliva along with the drool now mixing into the remaining puree on his chin. It's a good thing the jumbo packs of paper towels were on sale buy one get one free.

I can recognize the last two PBS Kids cartoons that were on TV even though I haven't stepped foot in the living room in the last hour. I know that Dragon Tales is a rerun and I can sing the theme song. And I know that Sesame Street is on next and I secretly kind of enjoy it.

I am proud of myself for actually cooking something beyond toast for breakfast this morning, and if I'm ambitious I might try my hand at dinner. Better not over-do it. Maybe I'll just put something in the crock pot.

I am also happy that I'm pretty much through my morning sickness phase and am excited that we finally have health insurance again so I can schedule my first doctor's visit. It'll be a huge relief to get to hear the baby's heart beat and make sure everything is okay.

I am not excited, however, about the holiday shopping season looming ahead and the rediculously long hours Brad will be away, but if we can make a little extra money off of the post-Thanksgiving shopping craze, then I say hell yeah.

I am disappointed that I've spent my morning on the computer and think that I might miss my prenatal yoga class now. But I did get out of bed and didn't move immediately to the couch, so that must count for something. I think I'm going to get Lakai's room organized this morning and sort out his clothes that don't fit anymore.

Well, I probably shouldn't waste more time on here so that will be the end of my thoughts on life this morning.

where were you between 2:35 and 2:45 pm?

....so Lakai just got done throwing pieces of his grilled cheese sandwich, lovingly made for his lunch, at me, while laughing.  Okay. I clean that up and he lets me know not so subtly that he wants more green beans.  I go to the cupboard to get a new can and knock a wine glass off the counter shattering it into a million pieces at my bare feet.  The only thing standing between my vulnerable feet and some shoes is... a broken wine glass.  Damnit. The vacuum and broom are over there too.  Okay, disaster averted.  I have my shoes and the broom.  I guess I took too long with the beans though because now as I'm setting them on his highchair tray he is shoving them in his mouth hand over fist and pulling them back out, laughing through his six clenched, bean flossed teeth.  Well, I guess I'll clean that up and see if he wants some juice.  Apple juice.  It seems to be going over well... until I turn around and he has dumped the contents out on his tray and is smearing it around making a shiny grease slicked puddle that accounts for most of his tray.  He looks up at me, smiling, with a piece of green bean hanging from his ear in such a way that it resembles an earring-- I can't help but smile... then... SPLASH!  both tiny hands descend on the puddle spraying the sticky mess over the two of us.  He giggles, and gives me this look as if to say, "aren't you proud of me mom?  Look what I learned how to do!"   ***sigh*** you gotta love it.